seventh note

i tried really hard to make u forget about me. i really tried forgetting about u as well. i wont write about u anymore since there is nothing keeping us connected. maybe in another lifetime our eyes will meet each other and maybe they will be fated to be together. our souls were destined to meet each other and still being not a reason to keeping my heart and my brain close to you. my bones will still be made of certain dust of you but i wont pay attention at it, since my bones are made of a lot of other people’s dust

sixth note

i want to sleep forever.

someone could think im talking about dying, but lets be honest; i dont find it that strange. whenever im sleeping unless im having a nightmare, i feel quiet. i feel in peace. anything that worries me disappears. there is just a lot of stuff happening that it doesn’t make sense. and so i like dreaming. i wish i could dream with someone and show them how beautiful things can be. but im stucked in this feeling, into thinking everything is going to be ruined, everything is gonna fall down. but im still here. sleeping. and dreaming. since i restarted writing this night, i feel like i can sleep. my eyes are tired. please, me in the future; keep taking care of me as much as you take care of others

fifth note

i tried keeping myself safe by getting away from you, or maybe i thought that u deserved something and so i left. i dont regret doing it since you look so happy with someone else, even if i don’t care about you anymore, im glad u are being happy even if that means you will replace me whenever you need it. maybe i was just a replacement of someone else

fourth note

i might hate myself a little bit even now. sometimes i cannot stand the way i look or talk. i hate the sound of my voice, my face, my body, i hate being ME. i cannot erase everything i am. i cannot make people forget about me (do i want to being forgotten anyways?) and starting again. i just hate it so much. i hate hurting people the minimum way possible even if its something you cant really control. i hate being perceived as something i am not. im done with the conversation. i feel so so so so so stupid. can i start over again? can i delete all my memories, even the good ones? i promise being a good child. im sorry im sorry im sorry

third note

it seems like im not good enough. it doesnt matter what i do, or what people say or think about me. it doesnt matter how many times do i have to explain what i am not able to. people will always see me and think that im just not good enough. theyre right, but im trying my best, im doing as much as i can to be at the same level as the other people. but is not working out. what should i do? is not like i can give up anyways. giving up would be the end for me, and even though sometimes is what i wish the most, it scares me, because i still have so much love to give

second note

will i ever be free? it feels so lonely being here. everyone is staring at me and at the same time no one seems to really care about me. so am i important or not? i dont think i am. maybe im just weird, and people will always stare at weird things. im weird

first note

i cant sleep. i certainly cant. it just feels so dizzy. and so im confused. it doesnt make sense, im feeling scared. inside of me there is a really big heart. may anyone see it? i feel like no one has ever seen my big heart